So I have this kind of incredible best friend/hetero-lifemate, Cat.  I’ve shouted out to her blog before.  But today I wanted to let you know that she has, with one of her co-workers, opened up her own etsy store!  As a proud owner of some Gata originals, I can assure you that her products will liven up your living space   Check out their store, politesocietyinc, as soon as possible!

(This is my Cat original)

I don’t think it’s a secret that I am just a little obsessed with pictures.  In fact I’m pretty sure that, at some point, 95% of the people in my life have been annoyed with my insistence on taking pictures of what’s going on.  But even beyond that, I can literally spend hours looking at old photos.  I love black and white photos.  I love pictures where people aren’t looking at the camera.  I love portraits of individuals.  I love pictures of couples.  I will probably always smile at any picture of a baby.  I can look at pictures that I was never even there for and imagine what was happening, and I can laugh at pictures I am in or that I took and vividly recall the exact situation in which the picture was taken.  And this is pretty much what I have been doing the past three days or so – looking at pretty much every photo of people in my life that I can get my hands on (and you don’t even want to know how many that is).

So, in honor of that, here are some quotes I particularly like about the power of photography…

Photography records the gamut of feelings written on the human face, the beauty of the earth and skies that man has inherited, and the wealth and confusion man has created.  It is a major force in explaining man to man. – Edward Steichen

All photographs are there to remind us of what we forget.  In this – as in other ways – they ar e the opposite of paintings.  Paintings record what the painter remembers.  Because each one of us forgets different things, a photo more than a painting may change its meaning according to who is looking at it. – John Berger

It’s not really a secret that I have a lot of, shall we say, job dissatisfaction.  There’s a lot about my job that is hard, a lot that is unnecessary, a lot that is an inconvenience, a lot that doesn’t make sense, and even some that is just plain dangerous.  Lately all of these negatives have been weighing heavily on my mind – and by that I mean I have begun making randomly bitter exclamations in a surprisingly vehement tone.

It’s not attractive.

It’s also not fun.

But despite all of the varied complaints I have had recently (and no matter how legitimate they may or may not have been) and despite how desperately I continue to search for, well, any other job, today was just one of those days.  I hate it when I have days like this.  There I am, happily going along in my cynical state, adding pile after pile of bleach/manure stained clothes to my dirty laundry list (hehe literally & figuratively, get it?).  Awful things happen, and it’ s just one more thing to add the pile of why I hate my job.  I begin speaking really angrily about…anything, begin stress eating, the nightmares return, my co-workers and I purchase even more wine and stay up till 3am crying and venting, my face breaks out, and I once again start yelling at God when I’m in the shower or car.

And then I have a day like today.  A day that is really no better than any other day – and definitely not better than any day in the past 2 weeks – and a day that is in the middle of another typical not-so-great week.  My kids, who have been on level or behaving appropriately, get in fights, lie, pass notes, sneak drugs, make ignorant comments, break rules, are disrespectful.  My co-workers and I argue and don’t speak and have med errors and become passive aggressive and miss appointments and lose our cool in front of the clients.  The parents cancel visits with the kids, yell at us on the phone, fight in family therapy, try to get us to discipline their kids when they don’t want to, break their kids’ hearts, and give up because they don’t know what to do.  And my organization requires us to take yet another retraining that is a complete waste of time, opens up more jobs instead of giving any of us raises, doesn’t support us on the shift, won’t assume responsibility for the competency of its employees, lie to the kids, and still haven’t fixed our microwave.  As a bonus, a drugged/crazy man comes on campus, violently looking for an “Isaac” when there is no such person in *any* program.  My friends have relationship drama, friendship spats, quarter-life crises, financial disasters, family horrors, illness, death, break-ups, addictions, breakdowns, weddings to plan, body-image problems, job dissatisfaction, muscle spasms, professional disagreements, etc. etc.

And then somehow…I have a good day.  Nothing in particular is great.  But, at the end of the day, I feel like I have done my job.  I have had some truly wonderful conversations.  I have laughed at a variety of things.  I have been supported and appreciated, even if on small small scales.  My opinion has been heard.  I have figured out some of my own issues.  I miss my friends & family in the satisfying nostalgic kind of way that recognizes their blessing in my life.  I have flirted and day-dreamed.  I have had coffee.  I have looked at old photos.  I have mentally talked to my ex-boyfriends and felt satisfied with the parts they played in my lives.  I’ve taken a walk.  I’ve started a new book.  And, most annoyingly, I’ve just melted over my kids and co-workers.  My heart has actually broken for them.  And it’s so damn frustrating because as much as I hate my job, as awful as it is, and as awful as the kids can be and certain staff members can be, by and large…I love those damn crazy people.  Even when things are as frustrating as they can possibly get, that is still there…no matter how much I may try to kill it.

It’s so annoying.

But the sword cuts both ways. While our heart grows in its capacity for pleasure, it grows in its capacity to know pain. The two go hand in hand. What, then, shall we do with disappointment? We can be our own enemy, depending on how we handle the heartache that comes with desire. To want is to suffer; the word passion means to suffer. That is why many Christians are reluctant to listen to their hearts. They know that their dullness is keeping them from feeling the pain of life. Many of us have chosen simply not to want so much; it’s safer that way…Sanctification is an awakening, the rousing of our souls from the dead sleep of sin into the fullness of their capacity for life… – John Eldredge & Brent Curtis

Ok friends, it’s about to get a little bit more personal up in here…at least for this post.  And it’s going to get a little sentimental.  You have been warned…here goes.

I’ve been a bit of a Negative Nancy lately.  A Debbie Downer.  A – well, I don’t know what other cliched & acronymed names there are, but I’ve just more or less been a bit, well, melancholy.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

But no really, to a certain extent, there isn’t anything wrong with that.  It can actually be quite revitalizing, and I’ve made it my business to go about accepting this aspect of my personality (while assuring everyone else that there is a difference between reflective melancholy and clinical depression, and I know when I’ve crossed that line).  But that doesn’t mean it’s easy on the people in my life when I get into these states.  In fact, it’s truly one of the testaments to how much the people in my life love me that they put up with me in spite of – and often during – these moods.  It does not go unappreciated.

But that’s not the point.  The point is that I have been having one of those bouts recently, but it is quite impossible for me to stay there because I keep thinking of the wonderful things I have had and continue to be blessed with.  So while I know you’re probably tired of some of my lists (if there was to be any overarching theme to the chaos of my blog, it would probably be the fact that I articulate myself in lists) I felt the urge tonight to make a list of specific things in my life for which I am very, very thankful for.  This is somewhat akin to the idea of the Happy Book that my friends and I in high school briefly created for ourselves.  The Happy Book(s) were essentially notebooks, decorated in collage on the outside (mine was decorated by my incredible friend Hilary) and inside the owner literally just wrote a list of things that made them happy.  The list could include big-ticket items like, say, your family or an amazing opportunity, or simple things such as colorful post-it notes.  I still have my Happy Book, somewhere in the pile of notebooks I have packed up.  But while it might be worth digging out sometime in the near future, I’ll hit some of the highlights here for you tonight.

~ the opening credits to Big Love ~ button-down shirts ~ my family ~ studying abroad in Spain ~ fresh paper ~ laughter ~ Harry Potter ~ road trips ~ wine ~ dance parties ~ black and white photos ~ Living Parables ~ long walks ~ cards & notes ~ trees ~ soft blankets ~ chiropractors ~ music ~ spices ~ eyeliner ~ cuddling ~ hot showers ~ vacuumn cleaners ~ poetry ~ prayer requests ~ babies learning to talk ~ family meals ~ coffee cups ~ hoop earrings ~ the beach ~ bookshelves ~ Spanish ~ airplane rides ~ cheesecake ~ yarn ~ shampoo ~ quotes ~ old hymns ~ hamburgers ~ long phone calls ~ Arrested Development ~ portraits ~ calendars ~ green ~ singing ~ roses ~ hot chocolate ~ cooking ~ yoga ~ candles ~ the Psalms ~ new pens ~ co-workers ~ manicures ~ Panera’s broccoli & cheddar soup ~ penguins ~ tattoos ~ margaritas ~ eyelashes ~ naps ~ book stores ~ running ~ robes ~ other people’s stories ~ tobacco fields ~ porch swings ~ high school friends ~ weddings ~ new underwear ~ mountains ~ bobby pins ~ dry erase boards ~ ex-boyfriends ~ sweet dreams ~ over-the-counter medication ~ asparagus ~ youtube vides ~ dresses ~ memoirs ~ things that don’t kill you but make you stronger ~ city sidewalks ~ theatre ~ breezes

Well…that’s a good start.  So thankful for you

Have no fear darling readers:  I know it’s been a short while since I’ve written, but you no longer have to wait.  I have returned.  It’s just, what with my oh-so busy schedule of working, sleeping, seeing friends, and reading Harry Potter, there just hasn’t been much time to entertain the blogosphere.

Ok, in reality, life has just been too mundane to be worthy of a post.

But, I actually did something interesting this weekend!  First off, I took 2 days off of work – for a four day weekend!  This is marvelous – and terribly needed.  I was rapidly passing through burn-out and going straight to a hell-fire of existence.  Umm that sounds kind of bitter & whiny, but is actually pretty accurate.

But onto more positive things.

Saturday, for my first day off, I had a lovely time: I slept in, woke up to go straight to a massage, came home and cooked myself a delicious lunch while watching Big Love, and then left for Charlotte with Ms. Jamie Lee and her friend, Karson, to go see the Black Eyed Peas in concert!

Now…I’ve had a rough journey with the BEPs.  And by that I mean that I hated them when they first popped up on the music scene.  Then with songs like “My Humps” they quickly became a (secret) guilty pleasure.  When Fergie came out with her solo album, I pushed her aside into my Britney Spears category: music I very much enjoy but is really only for exercising or dancing around like a fool or singing along to in the car, but isn’t really what I would call “good” music (Sidenote: I do have to say that I have a major soft spot for Britney’s music tho…more evidence that I am drawn to crazy people).  Finally when the Peas’ most recent album, E.N.D, came out, I actually had to start to admit that I like them…or at least a few of their songs.  And that they were good songs.

So this was the mindset with which I was approaching the concert – well, that mindset towards the Peas, and a general “I’m really not a concert person” type of personality.  Previously I had only been to maybe…4 concerts in my life, and while they were kinda fun I’m just, really, not a huge concert person.  Don’t get me wrong – I love my music.  Like love-love.  But I love to enjoy it on my own without the distraction of a million other things/people going on.  Still, Jamie Lee had made me an offer it was really impossible to refuse, so I decided to jump into the fun.

First we ate dinner at Cantina in Charlotte – an INCREDIBLE Mexican restaurant.  We ate: chips & salsa, fresh-made guacamole, fried plaintains (omg so good), and then I ordered enchilads de Dennis (stuffed with chicken, spinach, and a couple of kinds of cheeses).  To drink I had a pomegranate mimosa, and split a pitcher of margarita (which was way pricier than I anticipated…).  It was all delicious.  Highly recommend it.

Next, we headed to the concert; unfortunately, we missed LMFAO’s opening (of “I’m in Miami, Trick” fame) due to the fact that it takes a surprising while to finish a giant pitcher of margarita.  But anyway, we made it to the show with plenty of time for the actual main event.  Now, I’ve heard that the Peas effed it up good at the pre-Super Bowl thing, but I really enjoyed their concert.  I don’t know if it was because the crowd was so huge that everyone was kind of swept up in the music, or if they were just on their game, or what, but it was awesome.  The stage set was pretty cool, and they were really innovative with the way they incorporated technology into the show (not that I’m a huge expert as the most recent concert I went to was Ben Folds, and that was pretty much just him on a stage with a piano).  The costumes were fun, and probably the coolest thing was the way they incorporated improv into their planned performance.   Additionally…it was just fun.  Everyone was dancing and singing along – and BEP def provides good dancing music.  Also…I now have a huge girl crush on Fergie Ferg.  She was so much fun to watch perform.

So, all in all, a pretty enjoyable experience.  And now I’m again on a music explosion kick, which is always fun.  I’ve been spending my remaining days off in Raleigh, and that is always relaxing.  And I get to get laundry done (thanks Sister-Dearest )  And read Harry Potter.  And visit with Beth & Shaloot.  And Cat.   Phew.  Finally a really nice weekend!