I really have the best intentions to write a for-real post about my life.  Really.  I do.  I mean, there’s work…and other work…and friends…and family…and graduations…and Memorial Day weekend…and babies…and work…and driving…and grad school info…and work…and music…and coffee…and current events…and work…and writing…and wor – well, you get the idea.  Point being, there are updates (albeit somewhat depressing/boring ones that would be, alas, just about work).

But unfortunately, my computer fan is dying.  A slow, painful, LOUD death.  Which means I have about a 5-45minute window of computer time before it begins shrieking at me and I have to turn it off for fear that it will either a) attack me or b) cause me to lose my hearing.

So, I think I’m going to turn it off ASAP.  Maybe next time I’ll hop on the ol’ blog first, but in the meantime, I’ve bid on a new fan on ebay.  And called Wake’s IS.  Hopefully I will soon replace the fan myself in hardy home improvement fashion (a la my talented Sister & Brother-in-law Dearest and their washing machine).

And that adventure will surely merit its own blog post (assuming my poor computer survives it…)

it has been WAY too long since I’ve updated.  And as to be expected in almost a full month, a lot has happened.  For one thing, I am now 24.  Which is getting pretty old.  For another, I’ve been accepted to Wake’s MA in Counseling program, and have accepted their offer of admission to enroll in fall 2010.  Which is pretty effing fantastic.

Aside from all of that excitement, there has been the other regular hum and thrum of life: work, hanging out with friends, cleaning, paying bills, reading, watching TV shows on completely ghetto websites, etc etc.  I also took a trip to visit the padres & my baby brother the week before my birthday.  So it’s all been pretty good….

I also have to admit, there has been a lot of food in the past month.  And very precious little exercise.  Oy.  Luckily, it has somehow (thankfully) become spring, so that should motivate me.  I mean, in between hanging onto my current job by my fingernails, frantically job hunting for ANYTHING else (as usual), seeing friends, trying to balance my checkbook, reading obsessively, and sleeping.

Oh, God, I love sleeping.

The past two weeks, I have miraculously & thankfully been sleeping.  Without nightmares.  Which is absolutely outstanding, because the two weeks prior to that were absolutely riddled with nightmares.  I’ve had a few bad dreams here & there, but nothing like the nightmares…which involve waking up in a panic attack and not being able to fall back asleep for an hour or so.  And then of course staying up as late as possible the next night to hopefully be too exhausted to have nightmares (which, it turns out, is not a legitimate remedy).  But I have been sleeping recently, which is wonderful.  I began catching up on sleep when I was quite drugged up on benadryl at my parents’ home due to their acquisition of a cat.  It was at this point I realized why I have always felt so relaxed and exhausted at Sister Dearest’s house: because I’ve been on drugs.  I mean, it’s also really peaceful and they are a lot of fun.  But I’m usually a boring houseguest because I can’t keep my eyes open.

This was not the case at the lovely birthday dinner I had with Beth & Shaloot   We met halfway between our homes, for some somewhat mediocre Mexican food, and ummm I’m pretty sure I talked their ears off.  But I was also kind of excited because I’m pretty sure I met the love of my life at the  Barnes & Noble where I waited for their arrival.  I shouldn’t have to tell you why I suspect him to be the love of my life since it was my birthday, he was super cute, and he works at B&N.  Screw benefits and give me books people.

Uh, I digress.  And I’m just kidding about the love of my life part, because I don’t even know his name.  And this store was an hour away from my home.  Altho, I’m not going to lie, I considered applying for a job there and commuting.  But that has more to do with major work dissatisfaction and less with flirting.  Ok, maybe a little bit to do with flirting.

Anyway, hopefully this rambling post has left you feeling satisfied and a little less lonesome for my presence.  There will be a (coherent) book post coming soon – just have to finished up a quick series here and I’ll get started on it for you   In the meantime, have a safe and wonderful Easter weekend…there is much to be thankful for

It’s not really a secret that I have a lot of, shall we say, job dissatisfaction.  There’s a lot about my job that is hard, a lot that is unnecessary, a lot that is an inconvenience, a lot that doesn’t make sense, and even some that is just plain dangerous.  Lately all of these negatives have been weighing heavily on my mind – and by that I mean I have begun making randomly bitter exclamations in a surprisingly vehement tone.

It’s not attractive.

It’s also not fun.

But despite all of the varied complaints I have had recently (and no matter how legitimate they may or may not have been) and despite how desperately I continue to search for, well, any other job, today was just one of those days.  I hate it when I have days like this.  There I am, happily going along in my cynical state, adding pile after pile of bleach/manure stained clothes to my dirty laundry list (hehe literally & figuratively, get it?).  Awful things happen, and it’ s just one more thing to add the pile of why I hate my job.  I begin speaking really angrily about…anything, begin stress eating, the nightmares return, my co-workers and I purchase even more wine and stay up till 3am crying and venting, my face breaks out, and I once again start yelling at God when I’m in the shower or car.

And then I have a day like today.  A day that is really no better than any other day – and definitely not better than any day in the past 2 weeks – and a day that is in the middle of another typical not-so-great week.  My kids, who have been on level or behaving appropriately, get in fights, lie, pass notes, sneak drugs, make ignorant comments, break rules, are disrespectful.  My co-workers and I argue and don’t speak and have med errors and become passive aggressive and miss appointments and lose our cool in front of the clients.  The parents cancel visits with the kids, yell at us on the phone, fight in family therapy, try to get us to discipline their kids when they don’t want to, break their kids’ hearts, and give up because they don’t know what to do.  And my organization requires us to take yet another retraining that is a complete waste of time, opens up more jobs instead of giving any of us raises, doesn’t support us on the shift, won’t assume responsibility for the competency of its employees, lie to the kids, and still haven’t fixed our microwave.  As a bonus, a drugged/crazy man comes on campus, violently looking for an “Isaac” when there is no such person in *any* program.  My friends have relationship drama, friendship spats, quarter-life crises, financial disasters, family horrors, illness, death, break-ups, addictions, breakdowns, weddings to plan, body-image problems, job dissatisfaction, muscle spasms, professional disagreements, etc. etc.

And then somehow…I have a good day.  Nothing in particular is great.  But, at the end of the day, I feel like I have done my job.  I have had some truly wonderful conversations.  I have laughed at a variety of things.  I have been supported and appreciated, even if on small small scales.  My opinion has been heard.  I have figured out some of my own issues.  I miss my friends & family in the satisfying nostalgic kind of way that recognizes their blessing in my life.  I have flirted and day-dreamed.  I have had coffee.  I have looked at old photos.  I have mentally talked to my ex-boyfriends and felt satisfied with the parts they played in my lives.  I’ve taken a walk.  I’ve started a new book.  And, most annoyingly, I’ve just melted over my kids and co-workers.  My heart has actually broken for them.  And it’s so damn frustrating because as much as I hate my job, as awful as it is, and as awful as the kids can be and certain staff members can be, by and large…I love those damn crazy people.  Even when things are as frustrating as they can possibly get, that is still there…no matter how much I may try to kill it.

It’s so annoying.

But the sword cuts both ways. While our heart grows in its capacity for pleasure, it grows in its capacity to know pain. The two go hand in hand. What, then, shall we do with disappointment? We can be our own enemy, depending on how we handle the heartache that comes with desire. To want is to suffer; the word passion means to suffer. That is why many Christians are reluctant to listen to their hearts. They know that their dullness is keeping them from feeling the pain of life. Many of us have chosen simply not to want so much; it’s safer that way…Sanctification is an awakening, the rousing of our souls from the dead sleep of sin into the fullness of their capacity for life… – John Eldredge & Brent Curtis

Have no fear darling readers:  I know it’s been a short while since I’ve written, but you no longer have to wait.  I have returned.  It’s just, what with my oh-so busy schedule of working, sleeping, seeing friends, and reading Harry Potter, there just hasn’t been much time to entertain the blogosphere.

Ok, in reality, life has just been too mundane to be worthy of a post.

But, I actually did something interesting this weekend!  First off, I took 2 days off of work – for a four day weekend!  This is marvelous – and terribly needed.  I was rapidly passing through burn-out and going straight to a hell-fire of existence.  Umm that sounds kind of bitter & whiny, but is actually pretty accurate.

But onto more positive things.

Saturday, for my first day off, I had a lovely time: I slept in, woke up to go straight to a massage, came home and cooked myself a delicious lunch while watching Big Love, and then left for Charlotte with Ms. Jamie Lee and her friend, Karson, to go see the Black Eyed Peas in concert!

Now…I’ve had a rough journey with the BEPs.  And by that I mean that I hated them when they first popped up on the music scene.  Then with songs like “My Humps” they quickly became a (secret) guilty pleasure.  When Fergie came out with her solo album, I pushed her aside into my Britney Spears category: music I very much enjoy but is really only for exercising or dancing around like a fool or singing along to in the car, but isn’t really what I would call “good” music (Sidenote: I do have to say that I have a major soft spot for Britney’s music tho…more evidence that I am drawn to crazy people).  Finally when the Peas’ most recent album, E.N.D, came out, I actually had to start to admit that I like them…or at least a few of their songs.  And that they were good songs.

So this was the mindset with which I was approaching the concert – well, that mindset towards the Peas, and a general “I’m really not a concert person” type of personality.  Previously I had only been to maybe…4 concerts in my life, and while they were kinda fun I’m just, really, not a huge concert person.  Don’t get me wrong – I love my music.  Like love-love.  But I love to enjoy it on my own without the distraction of a million other things/people going on.  Still, Jamie Lee had made me an offer it was really impossible to refuse, so I decided to jump into the fun.

First we ate dinner at Cantina in Charlotte – an INCREDIBLE Mexican restaurant.  We ate: chips & salsa, fresh-made guacamole, fried plaintains (omg so good), and then I ordered enchilads de Dennis (stuffed with chicken, spinach, and a couple of kinds of cheeses).  To drink I had a pomegranate mimosa, and split a pitcher of margarita (which was way pricier than I anticipated…).  It was all delicious.  Highly recommend it.

Next, we headed to the concert; unfortunately, we missed LMFAO’s opening (of “I’m in Miami, Trick” fame) due to the fact that it takes a surprising while to finish a giant pitcher of margarita.  But anyway, we made it to the show with plenty of time for the actual main event.  Now, I’ve heard that the Peas effed it up good at the pre-Super Bowl thing, but I really enjoyed their concert.  I don’t know if it was because the crowd was so huge that everyone was kind of swept up in the music, or if they were just on their game, or what, but it was awesome.  The stage set was pretty cool, and they were really innovative with the way they incorporated technology into the show (not that I’m a huge expert as the most recent concert I went to was Ben Folds, and that was pretty much just him on a stage with a piano).  The costumes were fun, and probably the coolest thing was the way they incorporated improv into their planned performance.   Additionally…it was just fun.  Everyone was dancing and singing along – and BEP def provides good dancing music.  Also…I now have a huge girl crush on Fergie Ferg.  She was so much fun to watch perform.

So, all in all, a pretty enjoyable experience.  And now I’m again on a music explosion kick, which is always fun.  I’ve been spending my remaining days off in Raleigh, and that is always relaxing.  And I get to get laundry done (thanks Sister-Dearest )  And read Harry Potter.  And visit with Beth & Shaloot.  And Cat.   Phew.  Finally a really nice weekend!

This has been coming on for awhile…but I have officially realized I am old.  While I comment on this fairly regularly, last night was the real tipping point.  Know why?  Because apparently it was Pledge Night for Wake Forest.  Which means that everywhere downtown was CROWDED.  Everywhere.

Now, some co-workers and I happened to be out as well – we were planning to celebrate the fabulous Lovell’s birthday.  And while she wasn’t feeling very well by the time we went out, we still decided to go in her honor.

In retrospect, I think it would have perhaps been better to not go to my favorite downtown bar on pledge night.  I didn’t exactly fit into that scene during college, and by this point, I only felt even more worlds away.  For one thing, I had just worked 8hrs to top off my 42hr work week.  For another, despite attempting to look decent and wear make-up, I still looked like I had just worked 42 stressful hours.  And while I love going out and being with my friends, I was not nearly as…excitable…as half of these young’uns were.

But again, as I said before, this realization of my aging has been coming on for awhile.  It’s probably an increased sensation since I work with teenagers who have difficulty imagining me as a kid.  So, I’m going to compile a short list for you – similar to the hilarious list posted by Cat.  Some are related to aging, and some are just related to being in this precarious time of my 20s…

Signs You Are In Your 20s and Aging – It can’t all be downhill from here?

1.  Since I’m too poor to go shopping + too busy to do laundry, I have discovered that waiting almost a full month to wash my clothes creates a similar effect; all of a sudden I have all these new clothes that miraculously all fit.  It’s nice.
2.  After wearing heels, I find it necessary to soak my feet the next day because they are so sore.
3.  The only thing I could actively think of to ask for at Christmas was a cutting board.
4.  My friends and I discuss knitting difficulties.
5.  The people I most frequently want to talk to/visit are my family.
6.  I fully agree that a large portion of songs on the radio are, in fact, crap.
7.  The things I worry about now are my cholesterol, my bank balance, and when I’m going to be able to take a nap.
8.  Shopping is something only done when there is something specific to be bought…like milk, bread, & eggs.  And the occasional bottle of wine.
9.  It’s my dearest ambition to advance my “career” (this is of course the subject of an entirely different post).
10.  I have a houseplant.  And I love her.
11. Seriously, it is not a good idea for me to not have a cup of coffee before going into work.
12.  I actually know what people mean when they talk about the “real world”…instead of only thinking I do.
13.  Dental hygiene is serious business.
14.  Oh hey disillusionment.  Let’s find something you’re not involved in.
15.  Sometimes I freak out young people when I start laughing uncontrollably at some adorable thing they’ve said.
16.  Face cream is my best friend.
17.  My teenagers don’t know who Sean Connery is.
18.  My 4yr olds aren’t familiar with The Flintstones.
19.  I actually get mail – but it’s rarely anything enjoyable.
20.  There are 4 different grocery store discount membership cards on my keychain.

And there you have it.  It’s really not all that bad, but every once in awhile, it is jarring to note the differences between now & then (which is, incidentally, an incredible movie – and one I bet over half my kids aren’t familiar with).  Just some food for thought…hope you have a wonderful start to your week!