It’s confession time.  Well, actually, confession time has been way overdue.

I have really fallen off the exercise wagon.  Or maybe a more accurate representation is that I’ve actually jumped on any passing wagon in order to avoid any kind of physical exertion.  In short – I’ve reached a state of pure laziness.

It began simply enough…I got really into bikram yoga, kinda tapered off with the running, joined a yoga studio, and canceled my gym membership.  And then I couldn’t fit the yoga studio into my budget, so I cut it from the financial slice and decided to utilize my free gym at the apartment complex, or maybe even run outside once in awhile.

And then I fell on the escalator and hurt my back.  So I kind of decided to take a break from exercise to heal.  And go to the chiropractor.  But as soon as she gave me the green light to work out, I was immediately all about it (subtext: worked out like one or two weeks later).  I was really excited and headed to the apt complex’s gym, ready to go.

Here I hit another snag.  I’m pretty sure my apt complex’s gym is haunted.  It’s also about the size of my living room and has 1 treadmill, 1 bicycle, and 1 bowflex esq thingamajig.  It also is covered with mirrors and has a giant flat-screen TV and a scale from the 1950s or so.  But all of that would be ok if it were not eerily haunted.  I don’t want to go too much into the details, but it basically involves  a treadmill that has a mind of its own & tries to decide your speed for you, and a cycling machine that looks as tho it was brutally assaulted and murdered with a blunt object.

But lo, that last failed attempt was back in…February?  Or so?  Anywho, while there were some brief attempts at a modest differentiation from a sedentary lifestyle, mainly in the form of occasionally accompanying Lovell to a fitness class in order to support her Bride Boot Camp efforts, I really haven’t been doing anything more challenging than the occasional dance party.  Annnnd it’s starting to show and take its toll.

So, action must be taken.  And spring is the perfect time.  I’m doing well so far this week  – cycling on Monday (which meant I was pretty much forced to walk a lot more on Tuesday as I couldn’t bear to be sitting down for any given period of time) and then today I went to the gym.  Like, a real gym.  And I exercised.  It was fabulous and I felt elated afterwards.  Especially considering my back was acting up from a rogue massage and cycling; but I persevered (and stretched A LOT) and the endorphins finally kicked in.

I mean, I’ll probably blow it all at the wedding this weekend, as it is a Wyche event and there will surely be lots of food and empty alcoholic calories, but you’ll have to find out about all that later.

Yesterday was an interesting day.  In the middle of an interesting week.  Mostly because it’s been an insanely hectic week, and yesterday was easily the most hectic day.  My co-worker, Lovell, insisted that I blog about the insanity.  But…I’m kind of at a loss as to how to explain things.  I guess I’ll just take you through the course of my day yesterday.  Soooo hold on.

Well I woke up bright & early at 7:45am…which, if you know me, is actually a ridiculously early time.  I swear I felt like I only slept for one hour (even tho, don’t worry, I got seven hours or something close to that).  Anyway, I made some breakfast, read the news (aka effed around on the computer).  And got dressed and packed my bag to be ready to survive the LONGEST DAY EVER.  Also, since yesterday was payday, I engaged in the absurdly depressing task of paying bills.  (I had mailed in my taxes the day before, for those of you concerned, which was a ridiculously depressing task).

Then I went and got gas (more $) and headed in to Job #1: Nursery Assistant at First Presbyterian.  I was, predictably, late (despite waking up wayyyy earlier than normal).  So I got some coffee (2 cups…) and began the incredibly demanding task of coloring.  I had 4 kids, all regulars, and we had a lot of fun.  We colored, played with a whole bunch of toys, ate snack, had our Bible lesson, danced around, cleaned up, went outside, and came back and played some more.  I have discovered that the majority of children’s games are really just elaborate versions of tag…but still involves the basic concepts of running and tagging someone.  I hate tag.  But 4-5yr olds love it.  Which means a lot of tag happens no matter what I do.  But, luckily, it’s Amasa’s forte.  And he so happened to stop by to visit me at the end of job #1…and proceeded to tell me my life is crazy hectic.  Which is true.  He also got my kids to take a quick “nap”, which was a nice break from all the tag.

But, alas, I had to head out pretty quickly.  I only had a half hour between leaving 1st Pres and having to be at my second job.  So, I ran to Jimmy John’s, because it’s unquestionably wonderful AND quite speedy.  I got some more caffeine in the form of sweet tea, and sped off to Texas Land & Cattle, my new workplace, for training.  I ate my sandwich while driving (so dangerous) and changed and put on my make-up in the parking lot before heading in.  This was my second day of training to be a server, and it was just as interesting as the last.  This job will be…entertaining.  At least half of the future co-workers I’ve met so far have absolutely no boundaries.  Plus, as someone who has always worked in predominately female environments, suddenly entering one that is so overrun with the male species is completely overwhelming, esp when combined with the lack of boundaries.  My training as an RC has made me want to keep yelling out “Boundaries!” and “Inappropriate!” as their conversation is not that much different from that of my teenage boys.  Also, I have a loooooottttttttttt of appetizers to remember.  And drinks to learn.  Is it bad if on both days of your training two different trainers have told you the job will be easier for you if you are a raging alcoholic?  Again, this will be entertaining.  Unfortunately, I might gain like 50lbs.  They made me sample all of the appetizers yesterday – most of which are fried beyond belief.  So, having learned from the mistake of eating lunch before training, Saturday I will be sure to “come hungry” as I have to try some steak and side items.  Mmm.

As I was leaving this job (already late for Job #3) I had a call from one of my best friends of all time, Jessica, relaying some absolutely psychotic news about her love life.  Dear God, the drama.  But I told Jess not to worry, if she needed anyone to orchestrate a quick crazy intervention to terrify a certain man, myself & my co-workers could easily help as we are experts in the study crazy.  And we can bring it.

Then I arrived at Job #3, which is the primary job, at TCH.  By this point, I have had 2 coffees, 1 sweet tea, 2 diet pepsis (after not really drinking soda very much at all in the past 7 months), and 1 lemonade.  I’ve also worked 2 jobs already, and heard some absurdly crazy news and conversation.  So it’s not really an exaggeration to say that I was completely jacked-up and off the wall.  Lovell grew concerned and made me promise that even tho I was joining the restaurant industry I would not develop a coke habit, as it kind of seemed like I was already a bit cracked out.  She also made me promise not to get attached to my new co-workers because my TCH ones need to come first in my heart, lol.  And then we all proceeded to have a wonderfully hilarious shift.  It was my first day of the week working with Lauren, easily my favorite person that I currently work on shift with, and my kids have miraculously been borderline angelic alllllll week.  Which means we can have so much more fun with them than we can when they’re acting a fool.

The shift ran really smoothly, and the highlights include: 1) Running into a 5.5ft black snake on the walk to the farm, at which point Lauren and I bravely provided safety for the kids by literally running away and leaving them with the snake…in front of 2 of our supervisors…  2)  Using our rings as walkie-talkies, and since Lauren & Keegan didn’t have rings, creating rings for them out of tape and post-it notes  3) Basking in the glow of our fabulous inter-office mojo  4) The Living Parables performance during Youth Church!!!  I was so nervous, because I was afraid my kids were either going to be absurdly disrespectful or else hate the show and mock LP, which my poor heart would not be able to handle professionally.  However, the performance was WONDERFUL, and I’ve seriously never seen the kids that engaged in youth church.  I really enjoyed the writing and the acting.  Also, my co-workers provide excellent support & feedback and irrationally take my side on absolutely everything and I love them   It was great to see the beautiful faces of those magical people in the troupe, and to catch up with at least a few of them after the show…and potentially scare them by doing ghetto impressions of my job and all my new adventures in life.

After work, Lovell came over for some Cookout & beer, which was tasty.  We researched esophagus bruising (I swear that stupid sinus pill I took on Tuesday without water at team did something horrible to my throat) and talked about some pengjanga (which are penguin pajamas, abbreviated).  And that, exhaustingly, wrapped up my day.  In Jesus’ name.  Bearded Jesus, that is.   Thanks for letting me share.

However, there are a couple other things from the week not included in yesterday that, nevertheless, are of note: Firstly, please pray for a former client of mine…she is 14 and was recently moved to Hospice.  They’ve estimated that she has two weeks to live.  It’s complicated to explain, and I don’t really understand it all as well as I’d like to myself, but essentially her heart is extremely weak and her body cannot fight off any kind of infection.  Secondly, I have had 2 exceptionally tender contacts from my other best friend, Kevin, via email & phone, and consequently miss him desperately.  He is easily the greatest supporter of my writing (specifically my silly little poems) and his encouragement is ceaselessly appreciated.  Oh and one more little tidbit: just bought Laura Marling’s new CD, I Speak Because I Can.  SO excited.

Oh, AND Glee debuted this week.  Enjoyable, but hoping for more in the next episode.

Thanks for reading

it has been WAY too long since I’ve updated.  And as to be expected in almost a full month, a lot has happened.  For one thing, I am now 24.  Which is getting pretty old.  For another, I’ve been accepted to Wake’s MA in Counseling program, and have accepted their offer of admission to enroll in fall 2010.  Which is pretty effing fantastic.

Aside from all of that excitement, there has been the other regular hum and thrum of life: work, hanging out with friends, cleaning, paying bills, reading, watching TV shows on completely ghetto websites, etc etc.  I also took a trip to visit the padres & my baby brother the week before my birthday.  So it’s all been pretty good….

I also have to admit, there has been a lot of food in the past month.  And very precious little exercise.  Oy.  Luckily, it has somehow (thankfully) become spring, so that should motivate me.  I mean, in between hanging onto my current job by my fingernails, frantically job hunting for ANYTHING else (as usual), seeing friends, trying to balance my checkbook, reading obsessively, and sleeping.

Oh, God, I love sleeping.

The past two weeks, I have miraculously & thankfully been sleeping.  Without nightmares.  Which is absolutely outstanding, because the two weeks prior to that were absolutely riddled with nightmares.  I’ve had a few bad dreams here & there, but nothing like the nightmares…which involve waking up in a panic attack and not being able to fall back asleep for an hour or so.  And then of course staying up as late as possible the next night to hopefully be too exhausted to have nightmares (which, it turns out, is not a legitimate remedy).  But I have been sleeping recently, which is wonderful.  I began catching up on sleep when I was quite drugged up on benadryl at my parents’ home due to their acquisition of a cat.  It was at this point I realized why I have always felt so relaxed and exhausted at Sister Dearest’s house: because I’ve been on drugs.  I mean, it’s also really peaceful and they are a lot of fun.  But I’m usually a boring houseguest because I can’t keep my eyes open.

This was not the case at the lovely birthday dinner I had with Beth & Shaloot   We met halfway between our homes, for some somewhat mediocre Mexican food, and ummm I’m pretty sure I talked their ears off.  But I was also kind of excited because I’m pretty sure I met the love of my life at the  Barnes & Noble where I waited for their arrival.  I shouldn’t have to tell you why I suspect him to be the love of my life since it was my birthday, he was super cute, and he works at B&N.  Screw benefits and give me books people.

Uh, I digress.  And I’m just kidding about the love of my life part, because I don’t even know his name.  And this store was an hour away from my home.  Altho, I’m not going to lie, I considered applying for a job there and commuting.  But that has more to do with major work dissatisfaction and less with flirting.  Ok, maybe a little bit to do with flirting.

Anyway, hopefully this rambling post has left you feeling satisfied and a little less lonesome for my presence.  There will be a (coherent) book post coming soon – just have to finished up a quick series here and I’ll get started on it for you   In the meantime, have a safe and wonderful Easter weekend…there is much to be thankful for

It’s not really a secret that I have a lot of, shall we say, job dissatisfaction.  There’s a lot about my job that is hard, a lot that is unnecessary, a lot that is an inconvenience, a lot that doesn’t make sense, and even some that is just plain dangerous.  Lately all of these negatives have been weighing heavily on my mind – and by that I mean I have begun making randomly bitter exclamations in a surprisingly vehement tone.

It’s not attractive.

It’s also not fun.

But despite all of the varied complaints I have had recently (and no matter how legitimate they may or may not have been) and despite how desperately I continue to search for, well, any other job, today was just one of those days.  I hate it when I have days like this.  There I am, happily going along in my cynical state, adding pile after pile of bleach/manure stained clothes to my dirty laundry list (hehe literally & figuratively, get it?).  Awful things happen, and it’ s just one more thing to add the pile of why I hate my job.  I begin speaking really angrily about…anything, begin stress eating, the nightmares return, my co-workers and I purchase even more wine and stay up till 3am crying and venting, my face breaks out, and I once again start yelling at God when I’m in the shower or car.

And then I have a day like today.  A day that is really no better than any other day – and definitely not better than any day in the past 2 weeks – and a day that is in the middle of another typical not-so-great week.  My kids, who have been on level or behaving appropriately, get in fights, lie, pass notes, sneak drugs, make ignorant comments, break rules, are disrespectful.  My co-workers and I argue and don’t speak and have med errors and become passive aggressive and miss appointments and lose our cool in front of the clients.  The parents cancel visits with the kids, yell at us on the phone, fight in family therapy, try to get us to discipline their kids when they don’t want to, break their kids’ hearts, and give up because they don’t know what to do.  And my organization requires us to take yet another retraining that is a complete waste of time, opens up more jobs instead of giving any of us raises, doesn’t support us on the shift, won’t assume responsibility for the competency of its employees, lie to the kids, and still haven’t fixed our microwave.  As a bonus, a drugged/crazy man comes on campus, violently looking for an “Isaac” when there is no such person in *any* program.  My friends have relationship drama, friendship spats, quarter-life crises, financial disasters, family horrors, illness, death, break-ups, addictions, breakdowns, weddings to plan, body-image problems, job dissatisfaction, muscle spasms, professional disagreements, etc. etc.

And then somehow…I have a good day.  Nothing in particular is great.  But, at the end of the day, I feel like I have done my job.  I have had some truly wonderful conversations.  I have laughed at a variety of things.  I have been supported and appreciated, even if on small small scales.  My opinion has been heard.  I have figured out some of my own issues.  I miss my friends & family in the satisfying nostalgic kind of way that recognizes their blessing in my life.  I have flirted and day-dreamed.  I have had coffee.  I have looked at old photos.  I have mentally talked to my ex-boyfriends and felt satisfied with the parts they played in my lives.  I’ve taken a walk.  I’ve started a new book.  And, most annoyingly, I’ve just melted over my kids and co-workers.  My heart has actually broken for them.  And it’s so damn frustrating because as much as I hate my job, as awful as it is, and as awful as the kids can be and certain staff members can be, by and large…I love those damn crazy people.  Even when things are as frustrating as they can possibly get, that is still there…no matter how much I may try to kill it.

It’s so annoying.

But the sword cuts both ways. While our heart grows in its capacity for pleasure, it grows in its capacity to know pain. The two go hand in hand. What, then, shall we do with disappointment? We can be our own enemy, depending on how we handle the heartache that comes with desire. To want is to suffer; the word passion means to suffer. That is why many Christians are reluctant to listen to their hearts. They know that their dullness is keeping them from feeling the pain of life. Many of us have chosen simply not to want so much; it’s safer that way…Sanctification is an awakening, the rousing of our souls from the dead sleep of sin into the fullness of their capacity for life… – John Eldredge & Brent Curtis

Ok friends, it’s about to get a little bit more personal up in here…at least for this post.  And it’s going to get a little sentimental.  You have been warned…here goes.

I’ve been a bit of a Negative Nancy lately.  A Debbie Downer.  A – well, I don’t know what other cliched & acronymed names there are, but I’ve just more or less been a bit, well, melancholy.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

But no really, to a certain extent, there isn’t anything wrong with that.  It can actually be quite revitalizing, and I’ve made it my business to go about accepting this aspect of my personality (while assuring everyone else that there is a difference between reflective melancholy and clinical depression, and I know when I’ve crossed that line).  But that doesn’t mean it’s easy on the people in my life when I get into these states.  In fact, it’s truly one of the testaments to how much the people in my life love me that they put up with me in spite of – and often during – these moods.  It does not go unappreciated.

But that’s not the point.  The point is that I have been having one of those bouts recently, but it is quite impossible for me to stay there because I keep thinking of the wonderful things I have had and continue to be blessed with.  So while I know you’re probably tired of some of my lists (if there was to be any overarching theme to the chaos of my blog, it would probably be the fact that I articulate myself in lists) I felt the urge tonight to make a list of specific things in my life for which I am very, very thankful for.  This is somewhat akin to the idea of the Happy Book that my friends and I in high school briefly created for ourselves.  The Happy Book(s) were essentially notebooks, decorated in collage on the outside (mine was decorated by my incredible friend Hilary) and inside the owner literally just wrote a list of things that made them happy.  The list could include big-ticket items like, say, your family or an amazing opportunity, or simple things such as colorful post-it notes.  I still have my Happy Book, somewhere in the pile of notebooks I have packed up.  But while it might be worth digging out sometime in the near future, I’ll hit some of the highlights here for you tonight.

~ the opening credits to Big Love ~ button-down shirts ~ my family ~ studying abroad in Spain ~ fresh paper ~ laughter ~ Harry Potter ~ road trips ~ wine ~ dance parties ~ black and white photos ~ Living Parables ~ long walks ~ cards & notes ~ trees ~ soft blankets ~ chiropractors ~ music ~ spices ~ eyeliner ~ cuddling ~ hot showers ~ vacuumn cleaners ~ poetry ~ prayer requests ~ babies learning to talk ~ family meals ~ coffee cups ~ hoop earrings ~ the beach ~ bookshelves ~ Spanish ~ airplane rides ~ cheesecake ~ yarn ~ shampoo ~ quotes ~ old hymns ~ hamburgers ~ long phone calls ~ Arrested Development ~ portraits ~ calendars ~ green ~ singing ~ roses ~ hot chocolate ~ cooking ~ yoga ~ candles ~ the Psalms ~ new pens ~ co-workers ~ manicures ~ Panera’s broccoli & cheddar soup ~ penguins ~ tattoos ~ margaritas ~ eyelashes ~ naps ~ book stores ~ running ~ robes ~ other people’s stories ~ tobacco fields ~ porch swings ~ high school friends ~ weddings ~ new underwear ~ mountains ~ bobby pins ~ dry erase boards ~ ex-boyfriends ~ sweet dreams ~ over-the-counter medication ~ asparagus ~ youtube vides ~ dresses ~ memoirs ~ things that don’t kill you but make you stronger ~ city sidewalks ~ theatre ~ breezes

Well…that’s a good start.  So thankful for you