Well dear ones, summer is officially here…which is pretty unbelievable.  I’m pretty sure it was only a few weeks ago I was wearing sweaters and knit caps.  But, I can’t ignore the signs any longer.  Aside from Sister Dearest’s charming blog post about the season, there are quite a few of those signs.  Probably my favorite is simply the smell of night summer air while driving.  It’s so North Carolina – one of the reasons I love NC.

Plus, the POOL is open!  Which means it’s tanning/swimming season (depending on how active you’re feeling).  Before you get started telling me all of the horrible things about tanning, relax…I know all of them.  But, I love Vitamin D.  A lot.  Plus, pale is really not my color.  It’s unfortunate.

So, I’m doing my best to enjoy the summer atmosphere – times of wine, margaritas, swimsuits, pools, Mexican food, dance music, tank tops, nail polish, flip flops, reading, iced coffee, etc etc.  But unfortunately, I only get to participate in the summer fun intermittently as I’m working my a$$ off.  But that’s actually ok – I really like the waitressing job folks.  And I REALLY like having a little extra pocket money (that I should be saving for graduate school…).  Still, I’m looking forward to VACATION NEXT WEEK!  3 days in Florida, 6 in Pittsburgh with small children.  Should be epic.

In the meantime, I apologize for the inconsistencies on my blog(s).  I’m just working a lot.  And that doesn’t really provide very good fodder for blog posts…also, it kind of leaves me somewhat incoherent and unable to string thoughts together.  Oops.  But, despite the busyness of this season, I would love to hear from you at any point in time   So don’t hesitate to call!

So, a few things have been crossed off the list, which is very exciting.  But somewhat disappointing is how many things I had In Progress that I have had to admit that I have not been keeping in progress – i.e., #55, tithing.  This is one of those I need to pick back up, among others.  I would maintain some of them for a month or even close to 2, but then would completely get out of the habit.  So, gotta start over!  However, to stay positive, these are the newly completed goals!  And actually, a fair number of these were goals I had to maintain for 2 months and feel as tho I have since achieved   So, here’s the update; bear with me as some of this stuff happened awhile ago, but I’m just filling you in! (For a reference, check out the entire 101 in 1001 list!)

#16: Throw a Christmas Party at some point for friends - So yeah.  This happened this past December.  I threw a Tacky Sweater Christmas party.  Now, it should have been an extraordinarily fabulous party, but there was a snowstorm.  So it was simply fabulous.  While attendance was down due to the weather, we still had a great time and wore some TACKY sweaters and ate some delicious food & had great drinks   Even the preparations for the party were fun, and I’m all for holiday parties on a regular basis!

#26: Get into a graduate school program – PRAISE GOD HALLELUJAH THIS HAPPENED THIS YEAR.  Third time’s the charm?  More likely, God is infinitely wiser than I am in His timing and more accurate in assessing my motivations.  Be that as it may, I have been accepted to Wake Forest’s M.A. in Counseling program, which I am THRILLED about.  Classes start in August.  I’m ridiculously excited.  Hallelujah.

#35: Take on my own car payments – Soooooo this is a less positive achievement, but nevertheless one that needs to be crossed off.  Instead of taking on my car payments when I was financially ready in order to achieve a new level of fiscal responsibility and ease my parents’ burdens…I totaled my car last September.  So the insurance paid off my car and gave me some extra $ and my parents were kind enough to loan me my father’s old car, which has no car payments as it is paid off.  So, I have no car payments to make at the moment, but rest assured that whenever this car gives out (which please dear Lord let it last through grad school) I will be taking on the new car payments of the next car…

#53: Begin writing a novel – Why is this one that it’s embarrassing to say I can check off?  Perhaps because you’ll note this is cleverly worded so as to say “Begin writing” and not “Complete” or “Publish”, and really anyone can begin anything.  So it feels a little bit like cheating.  But still, in my efforts to begin writing creatively again and pushing myself, I’m pretty pleased with even achieving a beginning   It’s not a novel proper as it’s not fiction, but it is going to be wonderful (even if only read by me!).  It’s going to be about the exciting life & times I’ve had as an RC.  Yes.  Epic.

#58: Do something alone and just for myself once a week – I have become SO MUCH BETTER at this!  And I love it.  Sometimes it’s nothing more than writing in my journal, or sitting on my balcony in silence, or lighting candles in the apt, or driving to B&N to drool, or taking a bath.  Sometimes it’s a massage or an (at home) pedicure or turning off my phone & computer super early or what have you.  I do wish that more often it was running or yoga or going to the gym, but alas…baby steps   It is so crucial for me to have my time by myself, and I’m finally getting into the habit of taking it…whenever I can lol.  Really helps with the burnout.

#65: Improve wardrobe and MAINTAIN dressing nicely on a daily basis – Again, this is one goal that implores you to be patient with my baby steps.  But this I mean a) stop wearing graphic t-shirts from high school and college on a daily basis (achieved)   b) don’t dress like one of my teenage cls every day of the week (achieved)  c) actually wear make-up and put effort into my hair/jewelry from time to time  d) wear things that are flattering.  However, this does have to be balanced against the fact that I work 5 days a week and can’t wear anything that is revealing, or that I will care if it is ripped or stained with either manure or bleach.  Also dresses & skirts are completely off-limits for work.  BUT, even within the strictures of my necessary work clothes, I feel as tho I have come a LONG way on this goal since I incorporated it into my 101.  I do make an effort!  Hurray!  Of course, I still have days where only a my ‘These clothes are good enough to drink in” t-shirt will do (oops can’t wear that one to work either tho…role model!)

#66 – Explore the shoe world and obtain some nice shoes – Again, this is one in which you have to bear with me.  My shoes have greatly improved.  And I have a variety of way nicer ones than I ever have.  But this by no means implies I have truly become a shoe connoisseur, largely because I have a troubled past in the fashion world as a whole, and specifically in the shoe world.  I truthfully was not aware of my accurate shoe size until literally three years ago.  So, I have come a long way   Also, again, this goal is hindered by not only my precarious financial situation, but also by the requirements my job places on my wardrobe.  Le sigh.  One day I’ll get to look nice at work…one day…

#81 Start and MAINTAIN washing dishes by hand more often than using the dishwasher to preserve the quality of the dishes – Kind of an anti-climactic note to end on, but yes!  I have done a much better job of this!  Usually only with pots & pans, but those were the ones I was most concerned about to begin with.  Pretty straightforward.  The end.

And there you have it…I’ve noticed that I seem to be having a somewhat difficult time crossing off those items in the “Just for Fun” category…hopefully in the near future I can work on those…

PS Book review post coming SOON!

Yesterday was an interesting day.  In the middle of an interesting week.  Mostly because it’s been an insanely hectic week, and yesterday was easily the most hectic day.  My co-worker, Lovell, insisted that I blog about the insanity.  But…I’m kind of at a loss as to how to explain things.  I guess I’ll just take you through the course of my day yesterday.  Soooo hold on.

Well I woke up bright & early at 7:45am…which, if you know me, is actually a ridiculously early time.  I swear I felt like I only slept for one hour (even tho, don’t worry, I got seven hours or something close to that).  Anyway, I made some breakfast, read the news (aka effed around on the computer).  And got dressed and packed my bag to be ready to survive the LONGEST DAY EVER.  Also, since yesterday was payday, I engaged in the absurdly depressing task of paying bills.  (I had mailed in my taxes the day before, for those of you concerned, which was a ridiculously depressing task).

Then I went and got gas (more $) and headed in to Job #1: Nursery Assistant at First Presbyterian.  I was, predictably, late (despite waking up wayyyy earlier than normal).  So I got some coffee (2 cups…) and began the incredibly demanding task of coloring.  I had 4 kids, all regulars, and we had a lot of fun.  We colored, played with a whole bunch of toys, ate snack, had our Bible lesson, danced around, cleaned up, went outside, and came back and played some more.  I have discovered that the majority of children’s games are really just elaborate versions of tag…but still involves the basic concepts of running and tagging someone.  I hate tag.  But 4-5yr olds love it.  Which means a lot of tag happens no matter what I do.  But, luckily, it’s Amasa’s forte.  And he so happened to stop by to visit me at the end of job #1…and proceeded to tell me my life is crazy hectic.  Which is true.  He also got my kids to take a quick “nap”, which was a nice break from all the tag.

But, alas, I had to head out pretty quickly.  I only had a half hour between leaving 1st Pres and having to be at my second job.  So, I ran to Jimmy John’s, because it’s unquestionably wonderful AND quite speedy.  I got some more caffeine in the form of sweet tea, and sped off to Texas Land & Cattle, my new workplace, for training.  I ate my sandwich while driving (so dangerous) and changed and put on my make-up in the parking lot before heading in.  This was my second day of training to be a server, and it was just as interesting as the last.  This job will be…entertaining.  At least half of the future co-workers I’ve met so far have absolutely no boundaries.  Plus, as someone who has always worked in predominately female environments, suddenly entering one that is so overrun with the male species is completely overwhelming, esp when combined with the lack of boundaries.  My training as an RC has made me want to keep yelling out “Boundaries!” and “Inappropriate!” as their conversation is not that much different from that of my teenage boys.  Also, I have a loooooottttttttttt of appetizers to remember.  And drinks to learn.  Is it bad if on both days of your training two different trainers have told you the job will be easier for you if you are a raging alcoholic?  Again, this will be entertaining.  Unfortunately, I might gain like 50lbs.  They made me sample all of the appetizers yesterday – most of which are fried beyond belief.  So, having learned from the mistake of eating lunch before training, Saturday I will be sure to “come hungry” as I have to try some steak and side items.  Mmm.

As I was leaving this job (already late for Job #3) I had a call from one of my best friends of all time, Jessica, relaying some absolutely psychotic news about her love life.  Dear God, the drama.  But I told Jess not to worry, if she needed anyone to orchestrate a quick crazy intervention to terrify a certain man, myself & my co-workers could easily help as we are experts in the study crazy.  And we can bring it.

Then I arrived at Job #3, which is the primary job, at TCH.  By this point, I have had 2 coffees, 1 sweet tea, 2 diet pepsis (after not really drinking soda very much at all in the past 7 months), and 1 lemonade.  I’ve also worked 2 jobs already, and heard some absurdly crazy news and conversation.  So it’s not really an exaggeration to say that I was completely jacked-up and off the wall.  Lovell grew concerned and made me promise that even tho I was joining the restaurant industry I would not develop a coke habit, as it kind of seemed like I was already a bit cracked out.  She also made me promise not to get attached to my new co-workers because my TCH ones need to come first in my heart, lol.  And then we all proceeded to have a wonderfully hilarious shift.  It was my first day of the week working with Lauren, easily my favorite person that I currently work on shift with, and my kids have miraculously been borderline angelic alllllll week.  Which means we can have so much more fun with them than we can when they’re acting a fool.

The shift ran really smoothly, and the highlights include: 1) Running into a 5.5ft black snake on the walk to the farm, at which point Lauren and I bravely provided safety for the kids by literally running away and leaving them with the snake…in front of 2 of our supervisors…  2)  Using our rings as walkie-talkies, and since Lauren & Keegan didn’t have rings, creating rings for them out of tape and post-it notes  3) Basking in the glow of our fabulous inter-office mojo  4) The Living Parables performance during Youth Church!!!  I was so nervous, because I was afraid my kids were either going to be absurdly disrespectful or else hate the show and mock LP, which my poor heart would not be able to handle professionally.  However, the performance was WONDERFUL, and I’ve seriously never seen the kids that engaged in youth church.  I really enjoyed the writing and the acting.  Also, my co-workers provide excellent support & feedback and irrationally take my side on absolutely everything and I love them   It was great to see the beautiful faces of those magical people in the troupe, and to catch up with at least a few of them after the show…and potentially scare them by doing ghetto impressions of my job and all my new adventures in life.

After work, Lovell came over for some Cookout & beer, which was tasty.  We researched esophagus bruising (I swear that stupid sinus pill I took on Tuesday without water at team did something horrible to my throat) and talked about some pengjanga (which are penguin pajamas, abbreviated).  And that, exhaustingly, wrapped up my day.  In Jesus’ name.  Bearded Jesus, that is.   Thanks for letting me share.

However, there are a couple other things from the week not included in yesterday that, nevertheless, are of note: Firstly, please pray for a former client of mine…she is 14 and was recently moved to Hospice.  They’ve estimated that she has two weeks to live.  It’s complicated to explain, and I don’t really understand it all as well as I’d like to myself, but essentially her heart is extremely weak and her body cannot fight off any kind of infection.  Secondly, I have had 2 exceptionally tender contacts from my other best friend, Kevin, via email & phone, and consequently miss him desperately.  He is easily the greatest supporter of my writing (specifically my silly little poems) and his encouragement is ceaselessly appreciated.  Oh and one more little tidbit: just bought Laura Marling’s new CD, I Speak Because I Can.  SO excited.

Oh, AND Glee debuted this week.  Enjoyable, but hoping for more in the next episode.

Thanks for reading

It’s not really a secret that I have a lot of, shall we say, job dissatisfaction.  There’s a lot about my job that is hard, a lot that is unnecessary, a lot that is an inconvenience, a lot that doesn’t make sense, and even some that is just plain dangerous.  Lately all of these negatives have been weighing heavily on my mind – and by that I mean I have begun making randomly bitter exclamations in a surprisingly vehement tone.

It’s not attractive.

It’s also not fun.

But despite all of the varied complaints I have had recently (and no matter how legitimate they may or may not have been) and despite how desperately I continue to search for, well, any other job, today was just one of those days.  I hate it when I have days like this.  There I am, happily going along in my cynical state, adding pile after pile of bleach/manure stained clothes to my dirty laundry list (hehe literally & figuratively, get it?).  Awful things happen, and it’ s just one more thing to add the pile of why I hate my job.  I begin speaking really angrily about…anything, begin stress eating, the nightmares return, my co-workers and I purchase even more wine and stay up till 3am crying and venting, my face breaks out, and I once again start yelling at God when I’m in the shower or car.

And then I have a day like today.  A day that is really no better than any other day – and definitely not better than any day in the past 2 weeks – and a day that is in the middle of another typical not-so-great week.  My kids, who have been on level or behaving appropriately, get in fights, lie, pass notes, sneak drugs, make ignorant comments, break rules, are disrespectful.  My co-workers and I argue and don’t speak and have med errors and become passive aggressive and miss appointments and lose our cool in front of the clients.  The parents cancel visits with the kids, yell at us on the phone, fight in family therapy, try to get us to discipline their kids when they don’t want to, break their kids’ hearts, and give up because they don’t know what to do.  And my organization requires us to take yet another retraining that is a complete waste of time, opens up more jobs instead of giving any of us raises, doesn’t support us on the shift, won’t assume responsibility for the competency of its employees, lie to the kids, and still haven’t fixed our microwave.  As a bonus, a drugged/crazy man comes on campus, violently looking for an “Isaac” when there is no such person in *any* program.  My friends have relationship drama, friendship spats, quarter-life crises, financial disasters, family horrors, illness, death, break-ups, addictions, breakdowns, weddings to plan, body-image problems, job dissatisfaction, muscle spasms, professional disagreements, etc. etc.

And then somehow…I have a good day.  Nothing in particular is great.  But, at the end of the day, I feel like I have done my job.  I have had some truly wonderful conversations.  I have laughed at a variety of things.  I have been supported and appreciated, even if on small small scales.  My opinion has been heard.  I have figured out some of my own issues.  I miss my friends & family in the satisfying nostalgic kind of way that recognizes their blessing in my life.  I have flirted and day-dreamed.  I have had coffee.  I have looked at old photos.  I have mentally talked to my ex-boyfriends and felt satisfied with the parts they played in my lives.  I’ve taken a walk.  I’ve started a new book.  And, most annoyingly, I’ve just melted over my kids and co-workers.  My heart has actually broken for them.  And it’s so damn frustrating because as much as I hate my job, as awful as it is, and as awful as the kids can be and certain staff members can be, by and large…I love those damn crazy people.  Even when things are as frustrating as they can possibly get, that is still there…no matter how much I may try to kill it.

It’s so annoying.

But the sword cuts both ways. While our heart grows in its capacity for pleasure, it grows in its capacity to know pain. The two go hand in hand. What, then, shall we do with disappointment? We can be our own enemy, depending on how we handle the heartache that comes with desire. To want is to suffer; the word passion means to suffer. That is why many Christians are reluctant to listen to their hearts. They know that their dullness is keeping them from feeling the pain of life. Many of us have chosen simply not to want so much; it’s safer that way…Sanctification is an awakening, the rousing of our souls from the dead sleep of sin into the fullness of their capacity for life… – John Eldredge & Brent Curtis

Ok friends, it’s about to get a little bit more personal up in here…at least for this post.  And it’s going to get a little sentimental.  You have been warned…here goes.

I’ve been a bit of a Negative Nancy lately.  A Debbie Downer.  A – well, I don’t know what other cliched & acronymed names there are, but I’ve just more or less been a bit, well, melancholy.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

But no really, to a certain extent, there isn’t anything wrong with that.  It can actually be quite revitalizing, and I’ve made it my business to go about accepting this aspect of my personality (while assuring everyone else that there is a difference between reflective melancholy and clinical depression, and I know when I’ve crossed that line).  But that doesn’t mean it’s easy on the people in my life when I get into these states.  In fact, it’s truly one of the testaments to how much the people in my life love me that they put up with me in spite of – and often during – these moods.  It does not go unappreciated.

But that’s not the point.  The point is that I have been having one of those bouts recently, but it is quite impossible for me to stay there because I keep thinking of the wonderful things I have had and continue to be blessed with.  So while I know you’re probably tired of some of my lists (if there was to be any overarching theme to the chaos of my blog, it would probably be the fact that I articulate myself in lists) I felt the urge tonight to make a list of specific things in my life for which I am very, very thankful for.  This is somewhat akin to the idea of the Happy Book that my friends and I in high school briefly created for ourselves.  The Happy Book(s) were essentially notebooks, decorated in collage on the outside (mine was decorated by my incredible friend Hilary) and inside the owner literally just wrote a list of things that made them happy.  The list could include big-ticket items like, say, your family or an amazing opportunity, or simple things such as colorful post-it notes.  I still have my Happy Book, somewhere in the pile of notebooks I have packed up.  But while it might be worth digging out sometime in the near future, I’ll hit some of the highlights here for you tonight.

~ the opening credits to Big Love ~ button-down shirts ~ my family ~ studying abroad in Spain ~ fresh paper ~ laughter ~ Harry Potter ~ road trips ~ wine ~ dance parties ~ black and white photos ~ Living Parables ~ long walks ~ cards & notes ~ trees ~ soft blankets ~ chiropractors ~ music ~ spices ~ eyeliner ~ cuddling ~ hot showers ~ vacuumn cleaners ~ poetry ~ prayer requests ~ babies learning to talk ~ family meals ~ coffee cups ~ hoop earrings ~ the beach ~ bookshelves ~ Spanish ~ airplane rides ~ cheesecake ~ yarn ~ shampoo ~ quotes ~ old hymns ~ hamburgers ~ long phone calls ~ Arrested Development ~ portraits ~ calendars ~ green ~ singing ~ roses ~ hot chocolate ~ cooking ~ yoga ~ candles ~ the Psalms ~ new pens ~ co-workers ~ manicures ~ Panera’s broccoli & cheddar soup ~ penguins ~ tattoos ~ margaritas ~ eyelashes ~ naps ~ book stores ~ running ~ robes ~ other people’s stories ~ tobacco fields ~ porch swings ~ high school friends ~ weddings ~ new underwear ~ mountains ~ bobby pins ~ dry erase boards ~ ex-boyfriends ~ sweet dreams ~ over-the-counter medication ~ asparagus ~ youtube vides ~ dresses ~ memoirs ~ things that don’t kill you but make you stronger ~ city sidewalks ~ theatre ~ breezes

Well…that’s a good start.  So thankful for you