Well dear ones, summer is officially here…which is pretty unbelievable.  I’m pretty sure it was only a few weeks ago I was wearing sweaters and knit caps.  But, I can’t ignore the signs any longer.  Aside from Sister Dearest’s charming blog post about the season, there are quite a few of those signs.  Probably my favorite is simply the smell of night summer air while driving.  It’s so North Carolina – one of the reasons I love NC.

Plus, the POOL is open!  Which means it’s tanning/swimming season (depending on how active you’re feeling).  Before you get started telling me all of the horrible things about tanning, relax…I know all of them.  But, I love Vitamin D.  A lot.  Plus, pale is really not my color.  It’s unfortunate.

So, I’m doing my best to enjoy the summer atmosphere – times of wine, margaritas, swimsuits, pools, Mexican food, dance music, tank tops, nail polish, flip flops, reading, iced coffee, etc etc.  But unfortunately, I only get to participate in the summer fun intermittently as I’m working my a$$ off.  But that’s actually ok – I really like the waitressing job folks.  And I REALLY like having a little extra pocket money (that I should be saving for graduate school…).  Still, I’m looking forward to VACATION NEXT WEEK!  3 days in Florida, 6 in Pittsburgh with small children.  Should be epic.

In the meantime, I apologize for the inconsistencies on my blog(s).  I’m just working a lot.  And that doesn’t really provide very good fodder for blog posts…also, it kind of leaves me somewhat incoherent and unable to string thoughts together.  Oops.  But, despite the busyness of this season, I would love to hear from you at any point in time   So don’t hesitate to call!

Yesterday was an interesting day.  In the middle of an interesting week.  Mostly because it’s been an insanely hectic week, and yesterday was easily the most hectic day.  My co-worker, Lovell, insisted that I blog about the insanity.  But…I’m kind of at a loss as to how to explain things.  I guess I’ll just take you through the course of my day yesterday.  Soooo hold on.

Well I woke up bright & early at 7:45am…which, if you know me, is actually a ridiculously early time.  I swear I felt like I only slept for one hour (even tho, don’t worry, I got seven hours or something close to that).  Anyway, I made some breakfast, read the news (aka effed around on the computer).  And got dressed and packed my bag to be ready to survive the LONGEST DAY EVER.  Also, since yesterday was payday, I engaged in the absurdly depressing task of paying bills.  (I had mailed in my taxes the day before, for those of you concerned, which was a ridiculously depressing task).

Then I went and got gas (more $) and headed in to Job #1: Nursery Assistant at First Presbyterian.  I was, predictably, late (despite waking up wayyyy earlier than normal).  So I got some coffee (2 cups…) and began the incredibly demanding task of coloring.  I had 4 kids, all regulars, and we had a lot of fun.  We colored, played with a whole bunch of toys, ate snack, had our Bible lesson, danced around, cleaned up, went outside, and came back and played some more.  I have discovered that the majority of children’s games are really just elaborate versions of tag…but still involves the basic concepts of running and tagging someone.  I hate tag.  But 4-5yr olds love it.  Which means a lot of tag happens no matter what I do.  But, luckily, it’s Amasa’s forte.  And he so happened to stop by to visit me at the end of job #1…and proceeded to tell me my life is crazy hectic.  Which is true.  He also got my kids to take a quick “nap”, which was a nice break from all the tag.

But, alas, I had to head out pretty quickly.  I only had a half hour between leaving 1st Pres and having to be at my second job.  So, I ran to Jimmy John’s, because it’s unquestionably wonderful AND quite speedy.  I got some more caffeine in the form of sweet tea, and sped off to Texas Land & Cattle, my new workplace, for training.  I ate my sandwich while driving (so dangerous) and changed and put on my make-up in the parking lot before heading in.  This was my second day of training to be a server, and it was just as interesting as the last.  This job will be…entertaining.  At least half of the future co-workers I’ve met so far have absolutely no boundaries.  Plus, as someone who has always worked in predominately female environments, suddenly entering one that is so overrun with the male species is completely overwhelming, esp when combined with the lack of boundaries.  My training as an RC has made me want to keep yelling out “Boundaries!” and “Inappropriate!” as their conversation is not that much different from that of my teenage boys.  Also, I have a loooooottttttttttt of appetizers to remember.  And drinks to learn.  Is it bad if on both days of your training two different trainers have told you the job will be easier for you if you are a raging alcoholic?  Again, this will be entertaining.  Unfortunately, I might gain like 50lbs.  They made me sample all of the appetizers yesterday – most of which are fried beyond belief.  So, having learned from the mistake of eating lunch before training, Saturday I will be sure to “come hungry” as I have to try some steak and side items.  Mmm.

As I was leaving this job (already late for Job #3) I had a call from one of my best friends of all time, Jessica, relaying some absolutely psychotic news about her love life.  Dear God, the drama.  But I told Jess not to worry, if she needed anyone to orchestrate a quick crazy intervention to terrify a certain man, myself & my co-workers could easily help as we are experts in the study crazy.  And we can bring it.

Then I arrived at Job #3, which is the primary job, at TCH.  By this point, I have had 2 coffees, 1 sweet tea, 2 diet pepsis (after not really drinking soda very much at all in the past 7 months), and 1 lemonade.  I’ve also worked 2 jobs already, and heard some absurdly crazy news and conversation.  So it’s not really an exaggeration to say that I was completely jacked-up and off the wall.  Lovell grew concerned and made me promise that even tho I was joining the restaurant industry I would not develop a coke habit, as it kind of seemed like I was already a bit cracked out.  She also made me promise not to get attached to my new co-workers because my TCH ones need to come first in my heart, lol.  And then we all proceeded to have a wonderfully hilarious shift.  It was my first day of the week working with Lauren, easily my favorite person that I currently work on shift with, and my kids have miraculously been borderline angelic alllllll week.  Which means we can have so much more fun with them than we can when they’re acting a fool.

The shift ran really smoothly, and the highlights include: 1) Running into a 5.5ft black snake on the walk to the farm, at which point Lauren and I bravely provided safety for the kids by literally running away and leaving them with the snake…in front of 2 of our supervisors…  2)  Using our rings as walkie-talkies, and since Lauren & Keegan didn’t have rings, creating rings for them out of tape and post-it notes  3) Basking in the glow of our fabulous inter-office mojo  4) The Living Parables performance during Youth Church!!!  I was so nervous, because I was afraid my kids were either going to be absurdly disrespectful or else hate the show and mock LP, which my poor heart would not be able to handle professionally.  However, the performance was WONDERFUL, and I’ve seriously never seen the kids that engaged in youth church.  I really enjoyed the writing and the acting.  Also, my co-workers provide excellent support & feedback and irrationally take my side on absolutely everything and I love them   It was great to see the beautiful faces of those magical people in the troupe, and to catch up with at least a few of them after the show…and potentially scare them by doing ghetto impressions of my job and all my new adventures in life.

After work, Lovell came over for some Cookout & beer, which was tasty.  We researched esophagus bruising (I swear that stupid sinus pill I took on Tuesday without water at team did something horrible to my throat) and talked about some pengjanga (which are penguin pajamas, abbreviated).  And that, exhaustingly, wrapped up my day.  In Jesus’ name.  Bearded Jesus, that is.   Thanks for letting me share.

However, there are a couple other things from the week not included in yesterday that, nevertheless, are of note: Firstly, please pray for a former client of mine…she is 14 and was recently moved to Hospice.  They’ve estimated that she has two weeks to live.  It’s complicated to explain, and I don’t really understand it all as well as I’d like to myself, but essentially her heart is extremely weak and her body cannot fight off any kind of infection.  Secondly, I have had 2 exceptionally tender contacts from my other best friend, Kevin, via email & phone, and consequently miss him desperately.  He is easily the greatest supporter of my writing (specifically my silly little poems) and his encouragement is ceaselessly appreciated.  Oh and one more little tidbit: just bought Laura Marling’s new CD, I Speak Because I Can.  SO excited.

Oh, AND Glee debuted this week.  Enjoyable, but hoping for more in the next episode.

Thanks for reading

It’s not really a secret that I have a lot of, shall we say, job dissatisfaction.  There’s a lot about my job that is hard, a lot that is unnecessary, a lot that is an inconvenience, a lot that doesn’t make sense, and even some that is just plain dangerous.  Lately all of these negatives have been weighing heavily on my mind – and by that I mean I have begun making randomly bitter exclamations in a surprisingly vehement tone.

It’s not attractive.

It’s also not fun.

But despite all of the varied complaints I have had recently (and no matter how legitimate they may or may not have been) and despite how desperately I continue to search for, well, any other job, today was just one of those days.  I hate it when I have days like this.  There I am, happily going along in my cynical state, adding pile after pile of bleach/manure stained clothes to my dirty laundry list (hehe literally & figuratively, get it?).  Awful things happen, and it’ s just one more thing to add the pile of why I hate my job.  I begin speaking really angrily about…anything, begin stress eating, the nightmares return, my co-workers and I purchase even more wine and stay up till 3am crying and venting, my face breaks out, and I once again start yelling at God when I’m in the shower or car.

And then I have a day like today.  A day that is really no better than any other day – and definitely not better than any day in the past 2 weeks – and a day that is in the middle of another typical not-so-great week.  My kids, who have been on level or behaving appropriately, get in fights, lie, pass notes, sneak drugs, make ignorant comments, break rules, are disrespectful.  My co-workers and I argue and don’t speak and have med errors and become passive aggressive and miss appointments and lose our cool in front of the clients.  The parents cancel visits with the kids, yell at us on the phone, fight in family therapy, try to get us to discipline their kids when they don’t want to, break their kids’ hearts, and give up because they don’t know what to do.  And my organization requires us to take yet another retraining that is a complete waste of time, opens up more jobs instead of giving any of us raises, doesn’t support us on the shift, won’t assume responsibility for the competency of its employees, lie to the kids, and still haven’t fixed our microwave.  As a bonus, a drugged/crazy man comes on campus, violently looking for an “Isaac” when there is no such person in *any* program.  My friends have relationship drama, friendship spats, quarter-life crises, financial disasters, family horrors, illness, death, break-ups, addictions, breakdowns, weddings to plan, body-image problems, job dissatisfaction, muscle spasms, professional disagreements, etc. etc.

And then somehow…I have a good day.  Nothing in particular is great.  But, at the end of the day, I feel like I have done my job.  I have had some truly wonderful conversations.  I have laughed at a variety of things.  I have been supported and appreciated, even if on small small scales.  My opinion has been heard.  I have figured out some of my own issues.  I miss my friends & family in the satisfying nostalgic kind of way that recognizes their blessing in my life.  I have flirted and day-dreamed.  I have had coffee.  I have looked at old photos.  I have mentally talked to my ex-boyfriends and felt satisfied with the parts they played in my lives.  I’ve taken a walk.  I’ve started a new book.  And, most annoyingly, I’ve just melted over my kids and co-workers.  My heart has actually broken for them.  And it’s so damn frustrating because as much as I hate my job, as awful as it is, and as awful as the kids can be and certain staff members can be, by and large…I love those damn crazy people.  Even when things are as frustrating as they can possibly get, that is still there…no matter how much I may try to kill it.

It’s so annoying.

But the sword cuts both ways. While our heart grows in its capacity for pleasure, it grows in its capacity to know pain. The two go hand in hand. What, then, shall we do with disappointment? We can be our own enemy, depending on how we handle the heartache that comes with desire. To want is to suffer; the word passion means to suffer. That is why many Christians are reluctant to listen to their hearts. They know that their dullness is keeping them from feeling the pain of life. Many of us have chosen simply not to want so much; it’s safer that way…Sanctification is an awakening, the rousing of our souls from the dead sleep of sin into the fullness of their capacity for life… – John Eldredge & Brent Curtis

This project has provided much entertainment and therapeutic relief to myself and my co-workers all weekend.  Hopefully it can give you an insider’s view of what our lives are like…credit should be given to Natalie, Keegan, Megan, Lauren, & Ashley for their contributions

YOU MIGHT BE AN RC IF…

…getting ready for work means not wearing anything dangly, tight, or even washed.
…you have to set your alarm for any wake up time prior to noon.
…you know how to grease a scalp and take out weave.
…you only know how to cook for a minimum of 8 people at a time.
…you go into NCI pose whenever someone yells your name – even in the grocery store.
…in your job description you’re required to be a nurse, a maid, and a cook, while keeping the kids from killing each other.
…you pull out keys to open every door – including the door to your own bathroom.
…you have an opinion about the best way to restrain people.
…you practice restraints on your friends at parties.
…you never socialize before midnight.
…you have the cell phone numbers of everyone you’ve ever worked with just in case of an emergency.
…your company has an inclement weather policy – and that policy basically says “Snow or sleet, get your ass to work.”
…you scream out “BOUNDARIES!” when people get uncomfortably close to you.
…you don’t mind oversharing.
…you are constantly looking for new coping skills.
…you rate your day on a 1-10 scale.
…you thank people for sharing.
…you know how to phrase any insult or frustration in therapeutic language.
…you count down the hours till midnight even when it’s not New Year’s Eve.
…you tend to over-use acronyms.
…you ask people before you hug them.
…you have ever been told to “suck out my a**hole with a straw.”
…you have a slight drinking problem.
…you laugh when people cuss you out.
…you usually make other people uncomfortable when you talk about your job.
…every time you talk to your family they tell you that you need a new job.
…you need some kind of medication to help you sleep.
…you have ever laid on the floor of your office and just said “therapeutic fail”; or said “this is mah job”.
…you cry at least once at month at your workplace.
…you know all the local police officers.
…you go to the hospital more than two times a week.
...after you tell people what you do for a living they say “It takes a special person to do what you do.  That must be so rewarding.”
…you have children from 5 different ethnic backgrounds.
…you strongly support birth control.
…you automatically insert “Miss” or “Mr” in front of your first name when introducing yourself.
…you have ever had anyone ask you if you can catch AIDS from sharing chapstick.
…you see kids misbehaving in public and wonder where their supervision is.
…you consistently delete your cookies from the work computer.
…you know what the phrase “mobile supervision” means.
…you live paycheck to paycheck.
…you need to work a minimum of 25 hours of overtime to make ends meet.
…holidays and weekends mean nothing to you.
…you think kids should be in bed by 9pm.
…it doesn’t faze you when objects are thrown at you.
…you have ever seen someone kick out the window of a police car.
…you have ever had to explicitly explain to someone else how to take a shower.
…anyone has ever invented a curse word or insulting name just for you.
…the majority of your clothes have bleach on them.
…you consider anything other than jeans your “nice” pants.
…you know the real meaning of “processing”.
…you get off work…and continue to talk about work.
…work has ever interfered with your ability to maintain personal relationships.
…no one understands exactly what it is you do.
…friends and family can never remember your work schedule.
…you don’t move when things are thrown at you so it can be considered assault.
…your first instinct is always survival.
…you have conversations about Satan daily.
…you can tell when someone’s really hallucinating or just faking.
…you can tell when someone’s really having a seizure or just faking.
…you can tell the difference between a Lithium pill and an Abilify pill.
…you have a favorite psychotropic medication.
…you argue about food daily.
…you can’t hold normal, rational conversation after 8pm.
…you compare bruises after a restraint.
…you always pick up stray paperclips, safety pins, and staples because you’re afraid someone will use them to hurt themselves.
…you think about how every object can be turned into a weapon.
…you ask your kids to at least go out the front door instead of the window if they’re going to run away…and to take a jacket.
…you get excited about which level drop to give out.
…you ask everyone to meet you in the Pit.
…you repeat yourself approximately 90 times a day.
…you develop passive aggressive tendencies.
…you have nightmares about possessed children.
…you also have to be Captain Planet.
…you have developed ADHD.
…you envy 9-5 jobs.
…a 14hr shift isn’t considered overtime.
…you keep asking “Where’s the rest of my paycheck?”
…you and your co-workers have two separate conversations while talking to each other.
…you have ever referred to your workplace as the People Pound.
…you have to attend the same training every 2-3 months.
…you can’t wait for the honeymoon to end.
…you can answer 5 questions at the same time.
…you have a verbally violent inner monologue.
…you start wondering what’s wrong with you.

Party people, you should know that Stranger Than Fiction is seriously a fabulous movie.  I mean…a) Will Ferrell.  b) Dustin Hoffman.  c) Emma Thompson.  d) Queen Latifah.  e) having your life narrated.  f) analyzing literature.  g) Maggie Gyllenhal’s awesome tattoos and anti-establisment character.

But anyway.  I have some things to inform you of dear readers.  Don’t get crazy – it’s all pretty mundane.  But here’s what’s going on in the life & times of moi…(I’m sensing a list coming on…)

1. I turned in 2 of my preliminary 4 graduate applications – M.A. at WFU and MSW at UNC-Chapel Hill.  Woo-hoo.  Third time’s a charm right?  But in all seriousness, while on some level it is all completely out of my hands at this point (and pretty much has been, always) I am doing everything in my power to make grad school happen next year.  Sigh.  We’ll see.

2.  Work last week was hell.  Work this week has actually been borderline enjoyable.  I think things are potentially on the up & up?…

3.  I returned to the nursery at 1st Pres this past week…it was AMAZING.  I just had a great time   Also, I got a $50 Target gift card – with which I bought Nightlight (a Twilight parody), Committed (Elizabeth Gilberts new book!!!!), and the 2nd HP movie.  Huzzah!

4.  I have started writing again.  Just poetry, and surely most of it not very interesting to anyone other than me, but it is feeling incredibly cathartic.  And hey, I like my writing.  So it’s nice to reread it too.  I miss having poetry workshop classes…well, and lit classes.  But it’s been a minute since the workshop classes.  It’s so easy to get caught up in my own writing style and become comfortable, complacent, and not push myself.  But it’s also kind of…not frightening?  but something.  The past 3 or 4 years I have just not written very much.  And now it feels like it’s just streaming out, even when it’s bad.   And…I don’t want to lose that.  Because even when I’m hopelessly repetative or completely nonsensical, it at least gets it out of my head.  Anyway.  That’s my thought on that.

5.  Jess (and Kristen) and I made a 45 day fitness contract for January-Valentines Day.  I am FAILING at it.  Miserably.  More on that in another post.

6.  I’m actually craving change.  Which is funny considering all of the unwanted upheaval last year…but alas.  I’m craving change.  For some things in particular, which I would like for you to pray for as unspoken prayer requests…other things more generally – God’s plans usually end up better than mine anyway.  Even when I’m in kind of a crisis of faith, things somehow amazingly work out beyond what I could have imagined.  He’s funny like that.  But anway, yes; please pray for 2 unspokens for me if you get a chance

7.  As a prime example of #6, one of my friends gave me her old phone!  I had told her like last month how it was slightly broken & minorly ghetto, and so she just gave me her old one – which is one of the way-too-cool-for-me 3 leveled phone with like the actual keyboard?  Yeah, I’ve been lost all day and have had too much fun trying to figure it out   And that is wayyyyyy too generous of her – I’m completely blessed.

And I think that’s it for my update…I still love my apt, am still having fun in W-S, and still miss my family desperately.  Hope you’ve had a good week and have an even more amazing weekend!…and expect a book review post soon!